Koko FitClub Automates Instant Body Transformation*

This morning, Koko FitClub LLC announced the latest comprehensive upgrade to its patented Smartraining System. Through a massive re-write of software to incorporate the application of quantum physics to exercise, starting today, Koko’s Smartrainers will now offer an “instant body transformation” option. (**Please see disclaimer below.) Not only do these state-of-the-art, all-in-one universal exercise machines guide you through each and every exercise of your workout, they will now actually perform an entire year-long program of exercises on your behalf and at lightning speed. A Koko member can simply walk into the club, plug in their Koko Key, and then reap the benefits of an entire year’s worth of Smartraining sessions, in just 30 seconds or less.

Of the new upgrade, company founder Mary Obana says, “The original Koko Smartraining System was revolutionary, without a doubt. We took the heavy lifting out of the thinking side of the fitness equation, allowing members to follow a simple, expertly prescribed program with zero guesswork on their part, at an incredible financial value. But we still had a number of people who wanted results, more quickly, with zero effort. That’s when we decided to also take the heavy lifting out of the heavy lifting.” Hoboken, NJ franchise owner Michael Ander adds, “Our club was lucky enough to be a beta tester for the new technology, and with the NYC metro area population being so strapped for time, it was an instant hit.”

 

Company co-founder Mike Lannon still prefers his workouts “the old-fashioned way”, allowing the Koko Smartrainer to guide his every move while he performs the reps himself. But every once in while, he admits to “skipping ahead a year or two…It’s great that I can have a ripped, chiseled ‘situation’ six-pack right before I hit the beach by selecting Koko’s Total Body Definition track. Then I can tone down to a more slender form for running a marathon later that week, or for an important business-related golf outing, utilizing the Born to Run or Performance Golf programs.”

 

Josh Roman, Head of Product & Technology for Koko FitClub, gives some insight on how the remarkable leap forward came to be. “In our current timeline, this type of technology will not be discovered for another 500 years. So, we were extremely pleased to have an unexpected visit from the future version of Mary Obana, who traveled back just for the purpose of equipping Koko FitClub of today with this incredible technology.” It should be noted that “future-Mary” came from the year 2586, where people live as long as they choose by joining Koko and following the wildly popular “Longevity” track. Roman adds, “This whole experience of meeting future Mary was incredible, but it was a constant struggle trying to keep future-Mary from meeting current-Mary for the duration of her visit, to avoid a space-time paradox.”

 

* Partially true. Koko automates the much of the process, but it is not instant.
**Untrue. Body transformation requires real work.

Thanks to Michael Ander, owner of Koko FitClub Hoboken, for this April Foolery!

 

Michael Wood, CSCS


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